Category: Relationships


Break-Through an Open Heart

The word “heartbreak,” evokes tension and dread.

Who would consciously wish to lose a loved one, be rejected, or face the void that follows the loss of a love?

The thought of this kind of loss, and the pain that accompanies it is terrifying. And the thought of facing the inevitable void that follows the loss of a love is overwhelming. Yet, with all the complicated factors that contribute to relationships is today’s world, heartbreak at one time or another is virtually inevitable.

In response to the loss of a love, or anticipating a pending loss, many people shut down or tense up their hearts, trying to escape from the pain. Many people also self-medicate or anesthetize themselves with work, alcohol, drugs, compulsive internet use, or by jumping too quickly into a new relationship.

These are all ways to resist, suppress or numb out the deeper feelings in their broken hearts.

Sitting with the pain and fear of a broken heart takes great courage, and often, great support. Diving into the void is a hero’s journey, yet one we have few models for. We fear that leaping into the void will annihilate us, rather than taking a risk that is well worth taking if one truly wants to heal and grow from such a profound and impactful loss.

There’s the saying, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” and I think it really applies when a love is lost. We’ve all heard stories of people who’ve literally died of broken hearts. Like when a long-term partner leaves or dies, the remaining partner soon passes away. Yet, another far less visible response–one whose visibility would actually do much good, is to embrace the depth of the loss, and to come out more whole.

The image that illustrates this process for me is going through the eye of the needle by fire, and coming out the other side. It’s very scary to do it. Fire can burn us or even worse, take our lives. Yet, the fire can also purify us and burn away whatever layers we need to shed to grow and evolve.

Learning how to feel safe enough inside ourselves to go through the fire, to ride the rapids of our deepest feelings is a much needed, but sadly untaught skill. And learning how to slow down, to get grounded, to breath, to create more space in our bodies and hearts so that we can truly BE WITH our deepest feelings as they bubble up and ask to flow through us, is another too often untaught skill that is very important to our emotional, mental, physical and spiritual health.

I guess, when we are faced with enough loss, enough heart break, we are presented with sufficient opportunities to learn how to face and embrace this kind of pain and overwhelm, so we can grow deeper from it, and even transform the pain to open our hearts, rather than close them.

Sadly, or perhaps fortunately, I have been given many, many opportunities to go through heartbreak in my life. And I have come to realize that by fully embracing all the feelings that come with the loss–the pain, the anger, the fear of the void and the unknown, the lost hopes and dreams, the feelings of missing the loved one, the loss of sanctuary that a deep relationship brings, and the loss of soul deep connection in daily life–my heart breaks open and breaks through.

At times, I feel like I’ve been training, through no conscious choice of my own, for the emotional Olympics, building an emotional resilience I could have never imagined, until I found myself in the emotional embodying building gym again and again. Yet, having had the inner strength, having found the courage and learned many skills to go inside and ride the rapids, to feel the feelings that deep loss evokes, I have realize I now am stronger. And the pearl created inside this oyster is a much deeper compassion for myself, for my lost loved one, and for the others I encounter in my life.

I have learned to work really, really hard at putting myself in my lost loved one’s shoes, and try to imagine what might be going on inside them to step away from what was once understood to be a very mutual love. And even if I can’t understand it, I work very hard to embrace that this is just what my loved one has had to do. If I really love someone, I want the very best for them. And if the very best for them is to let them go, then to really love them is to let them go.

While this doesn’t make the process of loss any easier, in time, it has brought me a sense of peace–the kind of peace that comes with a sense of personal integrity, an integrity that comes with really embodying and living from my commitment to love.

I have learned to ask a loved one to give me the respect of having a process through which I can let go. The most painful thing for me is to just “cut something sacred off.” I know this can happen with sudden death. In the blink of an eye, a loved one is gone. This happened to me when my mentor of 17 years died of a heart attack a number of years ago. But short of a sudden death, there can be some time set aside to go through a transition time, where both people consciously move through and work with their final time together in the spirit of letting go.

This transition time can be imbued with love, appreciation and respect. I find it easier to let go with love, than any other way. I find it easier to curl up and hold and be held tight before being released into the world raw and new. Perhaps this is some of what it feels like to be a baby, moving through the birth canal in the journey to be born. In this sense, losing a love and breaking open the heart is a process of being reconstituted, of being reborn.

What I have certainly learned is that breaking through a broken heart is much better than the alternative, which is internalizing the tension that comes with fear, pain and loss, and holding it inside. Held tension creates stress and taxes the heart. If I am physically held, it is much easier to release the tension I am holding inside. Being held–physically and emotionally–allows the deepest feelings to move through. Loving touch or embrace can provide the comfort needed to release what is most deeply held.

If our loved one has the space to hear us in our pain, to hold us in their arms, to nurture our souls as we prepare for the final separation, the sanctuary of the love and connection that has been the good in the relationship can become the birth chamber, rather than the cold dark isolation of being cut off and rejected. Not everyone is brave enough to journey through this kind of passage. A loved one leaving may feel their own pain and fear, sometimes layered with guilt and even doubts if their leaving is really the noble or right solution.

Leaving a relationship from a place of full heart power takes as much courage as facing being left. How profoundly transformative it can be if two people hold each other close, mentally and emotionally put themselves in the other’s shoes, and literally have compassion for the two sides of this heartbreaking coin. Breaking open the broken heart with love brings a deeper connection with self, with one’s truth, and perhaps, ironically, with the loved one even as the separation process occurs. It allows the soul deep thread of love to continue, even as the relationship ends.

I would so much rather live with heart breakthrough than a broken heart!

~ Linda Marks | http://www.healingheartpower.comhttp://www.heartspacecafe.com/blog

Solitary Discernment

It is better to be alone than to be in the wrong company of people. It is better to be by yourself than to be with people whom you have nothing in common and nothing to talk about. That is because, when you are with yourself, you have the space to connect with your higher self fully without the interference of incompatible consciousness of other people around you. It is very different when you are by yourself than when you are with others. Therefore it is highly important that you be with the right kind of people.

Being with the wrong kind of people only lowers your state of consciousness and shrinks your awareness. We are always affected by the collective consciousness of the people around us, because whenever we are surrounded by people, our mind becomes part of the group mind. Being by yourself actually frees you from the group mind, that is why you can connect to God best when you are alone. You can also connect with God better with the people who are truly in greater conscious resonance with you.

Be very selective with who you relate with. The more choosy you are in life, the more the universe will give you exactly what you desire. Using the power of choice expresses who we are as creators of our perfect reality. The reason why you have been experiencing unfulfilling interactions with people is because you have the wrong idea that you have to unconditionally accept everyone who comes your way. The truth is you have to reject people who are not best for you in order to accept only the best.

By choosing to accept only the best and reject the rest, you are putting God first. You must love God more than anything else to the point that your love for your wife, children, family, friends and everyone else seems like hate in comparism to the love you have for God. It is said that the greatest love appears to be indifferent. That is because the best kind of love comes with the greatest wisdom. When you love with the greatest wisdom, you do what’s best for others even if it means doing nothing at all.

You show the wisest kind of love to people who are not right for you by choosing not to relate with them, because that results in the highest good for all. For any good to occur between two people when they interact, there must be a positive exchange of energy. When one party gives and the other party cannot receive, then the relationship is useless. Loving with wisdom means you stay away from the wrong people and let them be on their way until they are ready or worthy for you to relate with in divine time.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is to keep moving upwards on your spiritual path. Never let your desire to help those around you who are not ready, to take you off your path, because that would not be for the highest good of all. Your own consciousness influences the collective consciousness of the world. Therefore by raising your own consciousness as far as you can, you indirectly benefit the rest of the world. Which is better than futilely trying to help those around you who aren’t ready.

With much wisdom comes great sorrow. That is because the more wisdom you gain, the more you find yourself unable to help those around you. You were able to help them at their level when you had wisdom suitable for their level, but when you have higher wisdom, you wouldn’t want to give help of a lower level because it simply isn’t the best use of your time. When you are at a higher level of consciousness, the tools of lower consciousness becomes obsolete. You only want to live by that higher level.

The more wisdom you have, the more you notice the ridiculous state of the world. You know that all the problems that people face can be instantly resolved if they were to raise themselves to a higher state of consciousness and awareness. You know that the best way to help others is not to give them power, but to enlighten them about their own power within. You know that if you were able to bring everyone to your level of consciousness and awareness right now, the whole world will be turn into paradise.

But you know that isn’t going to happen because divine wisdom causes you to know that the evolution of consciousness has its own divine order and divine timing according to the divine purpose of the universal intelligence that created and directs all things. That is why masters who gained the wisdom of God and the universe before their time, chose to forsake the world and live the rest of their lives on the mountain or in solitary because the world was not ready for the fullness of their secret knowledge.

Being a warrior of light is being able to take the high and lonely path. The higher you go, the lonelier you get. That is because there are less and less people who will be able to resonate with you in that dimension. There are people who make the mistake of not going any higher because they don’t want to feel lonely because others cannot go where they go. If you want to ascend to the highest place of light, you must dare to walk the path even if no one else is willing to walk with you. This is the true courage.

When your mind and reality shifts, you will feel more and more alienated from those who do not resonate at your level. That is because you are in a whole new world, one that is very different from the old one that others are still in. You transcend their dimension and feel that you are a different being from them. You are more connected to beings that resonate at your dimension. That is why the closer you are to God, the closer you are to those who are as close, and the further you are from those who aren’t.

~ Enoch Tan | http://www.mindreality.com

(From a Warrior in Transition)

I apologize for my inability to distinguish the benevolent warrior from the heartless warrior, a reflection of my own confusion dealing with the battlefields of yore.

When I opened my heart too wide, I was vulnerable to attack from warring factions. I was conditioned to believe that I had to stay rigid, focused, prepared for any eventuality, in the desire to protect myself and others from attack. But I went too far, and closed too tight, and eradicated the bridge between our hearts. I am seeing this now and I am sorry.

I apologize for my perpetual absence, a reflection of my own inner absence, my inability to connect from a heart jammed tight by unresolved emotions that I did not have the tools to work through. I still lack many of these tools, but I am open to their emergence.

I apologize for my inability to distinguish relationship from war. Like a warrior in enemy territory, I would sneak in and out of your life in the night, plundering and selfishly taking what I needed, then crawling back to the other side of the abyss with the spoils. I gave little back for fear that I would become vulnerable to attack. I had war on the brain and I could not see the river of love waiting on the other side of the battlefield.

I now recognize that love is the antidote for the armoured warrior, but I could not drink the antidote in my driven state.

I apologize for not seeing you, my eyes blinded by congealed rage and unshed tears. If it is any consolation, and I imagine it is not, I could not see myself either. I saw only that which served my hyper-vigilance, my warrior focus. My mirror was a battlefield.

I apologize for my ungrounded materialism, my power driven tyrannies, my obsession with accumulation. Somehow I imagined that accumulation would protect me and those close to me, but I failed to recognize that it just perpetuated the madness.

I also apologize for my egoic abuses, a reflection of my own misguided ego, pumped up to deal with an inherently competitive world. I couldn’t distinguish the healthy, confident ego from the cocky, unhealthy ego. I went much too far in the wrong direction.

I apologize for a sexuality that was objectifying and disconnected from the heart. I know you longed for real intimacy, a merging of our souls along the heart-genital highway. But there were too many defences around my heart, and no bridge could form between our souls. There were moments when your loving ways freed me from my body masks, but I had no template to stand in that heart-fire. I am sorry for this, for I know that the path you longed for was the path to God.

I apologize for my horrifying acts of violence, a reflection of my own congealed rage, my own inability to distinguish real enemies from friends. There are no words that can undo what I have done in those moments of madness. I know this, I do. I would hide my face in shame, but that won’t make things better. I need to own my misdeeds, and then find a way to believe in my capacity to move from a more loving place. I call out to other male warriors to be accountable for the actions of our gender, not in a way that is self-hating, but in a way that is courageously self-honest and genuinely compassionate. The heartfelt warrior acknowledges the error of his ways, and has the courage to do all he can to make amends over time.

I apologize for my inability to develop a conscious relationship. You were right there with your beautiful heart on your sleeve but I was too attached to my individualism and afraid of this unknown terrain. I know the forests, the marketplace and the ways of the outer world so well, but my inner geography is foreign to me. You called me to a place I was ill-prepared to go, although I sensed, below the surface of my bravado, that you called me home.

I am grateful for your willingness to believe that who I was in those rare moments of vulnerability was the real me. You were right- the real me lives inside of my heart- but a few moments now and then was the most I could handle. I saw you as dangerous, for in your presence I began to taste a surrendered way of being. Nonetheless, your faith in my goodness kept me going through many a battle, and restored my faith in life when I most needed it. You were the light at the end of a barbaric tunnel, and I am blessed.

I am grateful that you stuck with me through thick and thin, and I also understand those times you had to give up and let go. I now recognize that there is meaningful difference between a love-ship and a relationship. Love alone is not enough. Without a shared willingness to become conscious, there can only be frustration. I was so often impossible, clinging to my unconsciousness like a soldier clings to his weapons. I recognize the courage it took for you to keep your heart open in the presence of my resistance. You had every right to seek an authentic relationship, as your spirit was ignited in its presence. Your beautiful heart had every right to be met in its openness and willingness. I am grateful for the time you gave me, a moments respite from the hiding places I mistakenly called home.

I am grateful for Grandmother, for no one saw my tenderness more clearly. I am grateful for Mother, for choosing to bring me into being and for nourishing my body until I could find my feet. I am grateful for Mother Earth, for grounding my expansion and enlivening my spirit. I am grateful for the Divine Mother, the real Mother of us all. I now feel her divine presence, so close. Fiercely compassionate, she was always right here, breathing life into me, holding me safe. I sit in her lap as she breathes me.

I look forward to the day when the only thing that ignites relationship is two souls calling out to one another, two soul-hearts beating in the same direction, a whisper of longing that bridges one essence to another. I want to want you not because it gratifies my ego, not because you are outwardly beautiful, but because your very presence invites my Godself out of hiding. I want to touch you with my heart on my sleeve, to know chemistry between us that is not gender identified, but that is essence sourced, loves liquid lava flowing from the heart to the genitals to the great beyond.  In this love-struck world, relationship will always be experienced as spiritual practice, a devotional expression of our God-self.

I had always believed that sensitivity is impossible to hold to in a harsh world. Yet in this moment, I feel sensitive, but without the fragility. I am still wearing armor but there is a shift in the direction of my intensity. I can linger in the heart-space a little longer than I once could, I am softening in places. After so many lifetimes with weapon in hand, a tenderling warrior is being birthed in the core of my being. He is confused, but he intuitively knows that this is the way home.

Please don’t give up on me or my fellow warriors. Forgive us our misdeeds, or, at the least, be open to the possibility that we will change as the trail expands to meet our shifting intentionality. The day will come when our warrior spirit loses its harsh edge, and comes into alignment with benevolent action. Some of us are already there, and many more of us will follow. The road to transformation is dependent on a bridge between genders, a benevolent bridge that celebrates our differences with respect and kindness. That work must begin with healing the rifts along the gender continuum, working hard to heal the collective heart until one day we can stand on a bridge across forever, hands held together, hearts open and alight, embracing the sacred masculine and divine feminine living at the heart of us all. I will meet you there.

May you feel the love of the Divine Mother crashing down on your heartfelt shores, graciously lifting you up above the madness of the world, nestling you in the grateful arms of those you have nurtured. Those of us who have received your blessings may not always acknowledge it, but your acts of love have landed within us, growing us stronger and infusing us with love’s light.

Thank you.

~ © Jeff Brown | www.soulshaping.com

Emotional Honesty

The single biggest problem with most relationships is that there are too many people involved.

A romantic relationship is supposed to be two people in partnership sharing of who they are, sharing their hearts, minds, bodies, and souls with each other.

Anyone who has not done their emotional healing is bringing a plethora of people into any relationship they get involved in. Some of these people include: parents, siblings, relatives;  ministers, teachers, the junior high school bully; everyone that they have ever had a romantic relationship with; the Prince and Princess of fairy tales, the lyrics of songs, and the characters from books and movies. Just to think of how many ghosts are in the room, when two unconscious people are interacting, is mind boggling.

Anyone who is unconscious to how the people and events of their past have shaped who they are today, is incapable of being present in the now and having a healthy relationship. When we are reacting unconsciously to the emotional wounds and old tapes from our childhoods, we are being emotionally dishonest in the moment – we are mostly reacting to how we felt in a similar dynamic in the past, not clearly responding to what is happening in the present.

The single most important component in a healthy relationship is the ability to communicate.

We cannot communicate clearly when we are in reaction because we are not being emotionally honest with ourselves.

We all learned to see life and self from a dysfunctional perspective – from a perspective that taught us it was shameful to be bad or wrong. We learned to blame. Since the perspective of life which civilization is founded upon is black and white, right and wrong – we got the message that if we could not figure out how to blame someone else, then it must be our fault. Toxic shame is the feeling that I am somehow defective, that there is something wrong with who I am as a being. That feeling of being defective is so painful that we are willing to do almost anything to avoid sinking into that abyss of pain within.

So we blame someone or something outside of ourselves to protect our self. A dysfunctional civilization which teaches us to look outside for our self worth, also teaches us to look outside for a villain.

Codependence is an emotional defense system which tries to take ego credit for things that go the way we want them to, and blames someone else when they do not.

If a person has not been working on healing these emotional wounds, then any feedback will be felt as criticism – as being wrong or bad – and the persons defense system reacts by becoming defensive. The best defense is a good offense, as they say, so many times we go on the offensive pointing out where the other person is wrong or bad.  When confronted we blame. We either blame the other or we blame ourselves – in which case we sink into depression and despair, into alcohol, drugs, and food, etc.

This is the reason that most relationships turn into power struggles about who is right and who is wrong. Who has more right to feel victimized by the other. We come up with whatever justification and rationalization we can to deflect the blame from ourselves – as a way of self preservation.

These behaviors are not bad or shameful. They are the inevitable dynamic set up when two people, who have not healed their emotional wounds and changed their dysfunctional programming, interact. We are powerless over the dynamic until we start becoming co-creators of our life by healing the past so that it is not dictating our life today.

It is impossible to Truly hear what another person is saying when we are busy loading up the big guns for our counter attack. We cannot be present in the moment if our emotional defenses are triggered by what is happening now. And these triggers can be a tone of voice, a gesture (pointing a finger), a word or phrase, almost anything. When old wounds are gouged we are pulled out of the now into our feelings from the past.

Once we start learning how to recognize when we are reacting and being defensive, then we can start getting more emotionally honest – with our self and with others. When we learn how to intervene in our own process so that we are not living life in reaction to old wounds then we start being capable of having healthy emotional intimacy. When two people are both working on their healing there is a possibility of communication and emotional honesty.

The more we heal the past, the fewer people are intruding on our relationship in the moment. Those people – our parents or past romantic partners – will still be in our psyche but we will be conscious enough to recognize them when they start invading the now. Then we can communicate what we are learning about our self from our reactions to our partner and share our pain and fear and anger and sadness with her/him – that is True emotional intimacy.

~ Robert Burney | www.woundedsouls.com