Archive for July, 2010

Love and Fear

Your secret sexual desire is to be ravished, lovingly forced open in unbearable pleasure, and taken fully open by a man of deep spiritual wisdom, strength, humour, sensitivity and integrity. But your past relationships probably fell short of your deepest desire for a man’s loving and your current relationship is probably also lacking. Why?

The love that is deep in your heart is probably buried under layers of frustration and pain. How did these layers harden around the open yearning of your heart?

Since you were young, you probably dreamed of being lovingly taken by a good man, a man you could trust with your life – a man you could trust to take you open into love’s bliss. Even now, you probably yearn to be taken by a man who truly sees your heart’s bright love and really knows your body, staying in touch with your unique energy as it moves and changes.

Sometimes – perhaps rarely – your lover can be so present with you that your fears relax and your body opens. In these magic moments, you and your lover connect so deeply that your hearts merge as one. All separation dissolves. Your body is given over to him, and his tender strength opens you further than you can control. You may weep and tremble in his arms, beneath his body, held in his love, pressed open by the force of his true desire for your deepest heart.

These moments are special, and few. Eventually, your man probably betrays you, either because he desires another woman more than you or because his love becomes shallow, his sexual neediness disgusting. Even in moments of intimacy, he doesn’t touch your deepest heart or even try. You know he can love you open, perhaps more than any man ever has, and yet, over time, he becomes less interested in communing with your deepest heart. He drifts into his career, focusing on his projects, sitting in front of the TV, or satisfying his need for superficial sexual release.

So you begin to learn to live with your hurt and take care of yourself. If you can’t depend on a man’s love, then you can only depend on yourself. You learn to take control of your life, to guide yourself to your own destination. But something is still missing, no matter how successful your career or how comfortable your life is. You still yearn to be taken by a man’s real love, to be truly seen and opened by your lover’s penetrating gaze, touch, and profound heart-desire.

Secretly, you still yearn to surrender to a man who is worthy of your trust. But you have not met him – and worse, you have learned that when you surrender open and give yourself completely to a man, you eventually get hurt. In the rare moments when your depth is invited, your pain comes up first and you often end up scaring your man away.

So, you begin to doubt love. You lost trust in men. You surround your wounded heart with shells of emotional protection, hopefully preventing more hurt. Your body develops tensions and even diseases after years of surrendering, not receiving deep love, not giving yourself entirely, as you so long to do with every cell of your being. There is always tension – the tension of not being met and really stretched open in the fullness of the love you are.

So when a man feels you, he feels your shells. In your face, he sees the strain of long hours or years of holding your life together while your deepest heart would rather have surrendered open in ecstatic trust. In your gait, he feels the stress of unoffered bodily devotion, while your deep heart would rather have been a slave to love, commanded open by love’s torrential flow, undulated by love’s boundless pleasure. Around your heart, he senses the ‘do not trespass’ warning, and so he holds himself back from entering your life deeply.

Few men are capable of entering a woman’s heart and opening her body to bliss, but few women are capable of offering their heart and body to be claimed open in this way. Fear is the feeling of refusal. Fear is the feeling of mistrust. Fear is the heart’s contraction that withdraws openness behind walls of protection. Fear is the act of unlove, the negation of love, the refusal to open and offer love’s openness as your gift. Anything less than a life of total loving is fear.

Men are terrified of a woman’s depth of love and the energy that moves a woman’s sexuality and emotions. And, at the same time, men want nothing more in his life than to merge completely with a woman’s devotional love and wild energy. Only as a man outgrows his fear can he handle a woman’s tremendous love-energy without running. And only such a man is worthy of your devotional offering in a committed intimacy.

Most men can’t meet you fully. So, though your heart and body yearn to be ravished by real love, you bury your heart’s longing under a life of business, friends, family and distractions. You learn to plod on and get things done. You learn to seal off from your own longing. You occupy yourself with chores and to do lists. You focus on financial goals, spend time with friends, enjoy travel, exercise and take care of yourself. And still, your heart yearns, whether you are alone or with a man who is not deeply claiming your heart.

Just as you have chosen to guard your heart for fear of being hurt, the man you attract will have chosen to claim life more shallowly than his true depth. He drifts uncommitted to total love because he is afraid of losing what seems like freedom.

Your relationship won’t work because his freedom is false and your love is hidden, you are both afraid. You are unwilling to offer yourself completely without protection, so you attract a man without the capacity or willingness to claim you completely.

A commitment to love requires opening beyond these fears. Your lover’s willingness to inhabit your life as his own, to feel your heart deeply and claim you open to love’s deepest bliss, must grow – just as your willlingness must grow to offer your life and heart as love, even though you know you will be hurt and betrayed in the future.

You can practice keeping your heart open for the sake of love’s fullness, even when your man hurts you, even when you are alone, even when the pain and yearning in your heart feel overwhelming. For the sake of love’s fullest flow, you can allow your heart to yearn open, deeply receiving and offering love without closing down to protect itself.

All the moments of your life can be a dance of love’s emergence, an opportunity for opening your heart and offering your life to flow open as love’s wisdom, love’s power, and love’s indestructible vulnerability.

David Deida | Dear Lover |


The Greatest Hunger

The greatest hunger in life is not for food, money, success, status, security, sex or even love.

Time and time again people have achieved all of these things and wound up still feeling dissatisfied – indeed, often more dissatisfied than when they began. The deepest hunger in life .. is a secret that is revealed only when a person is willing to unlock a hidden part of the self.

In the ancient traditions of wisdom, this quest has been likened to diving for the most precious pearl in existence, a poetic way of saying that you have to swim far out beyond shallow waters, plunge deep into yourself, and search patiently until the pearl beyond price is found.

The pearl is also called essence, the water of life, the holy nectar – labels for what we would simply call transformation.

The secret hunger that gnaws at people’s souls has nothing to do with externals like money, status and security.

It is the inner person who craves meaning in life, the end of suffering, and answers to riddles of love, death, the soul, good and evil.

A life spent on the surface will never answer these questions or satisfy the needs that drive us to ask them. Finding the hidden dimensions in yourself is the only way to fulfill your deepest hunger.

When you are living the truth of one reality, every secret reveals itself without effort or struggle.

~ Deepak Chopra | The Book of Secrets

Learning to love differently is hard,
love with the hands wide open,
love with the doors banging on their hinges,
the cupboard unlocked,
the wind roaring and whimpering in the rooms
rustling the sheets and snapping the blinds
that thwack like rubber bands
in an open palm.

It hurts to love wide open
stretching the muscles that feel
as if they are made of wet plaster,
then of blunt knives,
then of sharp knives.

It hurts to thwart the reflexes
of grab, of clutch;
to love and let go again and again.
It pesters to remember
the lover who is not in the bed,
to hold back what is owed to the work
that gutters like a candle in a cave without air,
to love conciously, conscientiously, concretely, constructively.

I can’t do it,
you say its killing me,
but you thrive,
you glow on the street like a neon rasberry,
you float and sail, a helium balloon
bright bachelor’s button blue and bobbing
on the cold and hot winds of our breath,
as we make and unmake in passionate
diastole and systole
the rhythm of our unbound bonding,
to have and not to hold,
to love with minimized malice,
hunger and anger moment by moment balanced.

~ Marge Percy